Squaring circles emotionally is a challenge anyway but truthfully, do we know what we are really feel and what we don’t? Are we certain that we know exactly what in our partner really turns us on and what does not? More, do we really know why we react as we do with our partner – or don’t, or why they respond to us as they do – or don’t?
We see the evidence of it but not the cause.
Is it odd to reflect that two people can react to one another in a particular way and they can love each other for it. Yet they can be totally unaware of it as a behaviour, or, if they are aware, can believe it to be perfectly normal. Meanwhile others witnessing them cannot and do not want emulate it, finding the behaviour unusual.
There can be any number of behaviours performed by ourselves of which we are totally unaware, their causes residing deep in our subconscious. These can thrill, warm the heart, irritate, aggravate or downright displease our partner. They can disappoint even ourselves when we are made aware of them.
Personal behaviours in our partner will be present too of which they may or may not be aware. We each live our lives on the basis that the way we live our lives is acceptable. Our reality is as we each paint it.
Imagine in a relationship we could write out and agree a joint list even of the offending behaviours of each of us. Better still imagine coupling them with a list of the likeable behaviours to neutralise the displeasure or discomfort it causes the other! Wouldn’t it lead to there being so many more peaceful households. It would be so particularly if that act in itself triggered and sustained desired behavioural changes in the offending ones!
Were life so simple!
Regrettably the complex force of the metaphor of “Squaring Circles” kicks in with a vengeance! The realisation of the deep-rooted tenacity with which a behaviour can become seemingly habitual and unalterable could make us look for an even more challenging description than ‘Squaring Circles’ .
One can find legions of elementary behavioural examples.
A house full of boys can make a mother’s attempts to keep the top on the toothpaste between users and the lavatory seat left down very forlorn missions! Before the children may even find it so usual to have tops left off and seats left up, that it becomes habitual and after that it is never reflected upon!
Marrying such a person who had completely forgotten that tops are always left on and lavatory seats left down, can give rise to discovering simple comfort zones we never realised we had!
In fact we have literally hundreds of them.
It would be an insuperable challenge if before we went to bed each night, we had to write out a list of every single like and dislike we had lest we forget them next morning! Fortunately our subconscious does this work of monitoring our comfort zones for us automatically. Yet if we ever do bring to mind such a comprehensive list, we should remind ourselves that we alone compiled that list! We did so by adding to it every day, week and month of our life. We did so for one reason or another, but we did it.
Evidence is unfortunately far too strong that so many of these likes and dislikes are the sum total of what we ourselves have mandated. They are most definitely not merely evidence of the way we were born.
But one thing is for sure, to go any further with this we should “want” to discover more and not feel we “have” to. Putting ourselves under self-imposed pressure would mean that only for as long as we willed a change in behaviour, would the change last. As soon as we deemed we no longer “had to,” it would stop and revert back.
In order to change, first, awareness of an inhibiting pattern or behaviour is necessary. (It may have grown to annoy us or our partner.) Second, the need must be acknowledged that we may have to reflect hard and go right back into a childhood to find the origin. Several excellent processes and non-fiction books exist to help in this self discovery.
Most important is to use a book or process which deals effectively with the interplay necessary between the Intellect and the Emotions. So many patterns are emotionally based.
Does it produce success? Properly done, yes, definitely. How long does it take? That depends on the awareness, desire and tenacity applied.
I wish you well.
Gerry Neale recommends a book called “You Can Change Your Life” by Tim Laurence ISBN 9780340825235. It sets out the Hoffman Process.
Sir Gerry is an artist, mentor and author of a recently published cognitive behavioural novel called “Squaring Circles”. ISBN 9780956868824 Detailed reviews and background information can be obtained from www.squaringcircles.co.uk and from the publishers www.pearlpress.co.uk
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