The first step toward being able to attract and create your ideal relationship is to clear the way for it by eliminating baggage from your past. This baggage refers to any resentments, hurts, or fears you have toward anyone who either was a role model or who participated directly in a relationship with you.
Lots of people carry such baggage for a long time, some even for a lifetime. The sooner you can truly let go of this baggage, the less likely you are to recreate bad situations in current and future relationships.
Dropping this baggage is what I call "getting complete."
How do you get complete? Completion is not a sense or an emotion or even a state of being, but a process. This means there are steps and practical actions that will get you to completion. What stands between you and having a great relationship is acting on these steps.
At the most basic level, completion is an exercise in communication. Imagine you could finally say everything you needed to say to everyone you needed to say it to, no holds barred. Wouldn't that give you a great sense of relief and freedom? In essence, getting complete is getting to communicate everything to everyone, without spending your life looking for everyone from your past or having to deal with less-than-receptive people.
Once you are complete with a situation, the next time you face a similar situation you will be free to choose your actions rather than being run by fear, pain, anger, etc. You may flash back to the old situation, but you will not react based on it. You will no longer have anything but a minute negative emotional response when looking back on hurtful situations. For the majority of the time, you will feel genuine forgiveness toward others and yourself.
The first thing you need to do to get complete is to feel all of your feelings, no matter how unpleasant they may be. How do you feel about your past relationships? Have you swept your feelings under the rug? Are you still secretly pining for someone? What are you afraid of in regards to relationships? Who are you still angry with?
In order to allow yourself to feel, you have to know that feelings, unless they are of the clinical depression or the criminal rage kind, will not kill or hurt you. Most people have either not had the permission or never slowed down enough to feel their feelings. You must give yourself both the time and the permission if any completion is to take place. As long as you don't let yourself feel, you will recreate exactly what you had in the past. If you want something different -- a fulfilling relationship -- you can't afford to recreate the past.
Right now, check in with your feelings and make a list of all the people and situations you need to complete. We will come back to this list.
The second thing you need to do to get complete is to take action. Look for a list of ten action steps in next week's newsletter.
Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
www.WhatItTakes.com
About The Author
Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit http://www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"
help@whatittakes.com
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Rinatta_Paries
Rinatta Paries - EzineArticles Expert Author
A
Thursday 25 February 2010
Writing Therapy Can Make You Feel Better And Make Money
Even as a novice, writing therapy can be as effective as counselling, particularly if you are stressed greatly or if you are trying to come to terms with serious loss or trauma. The very act of getting your thoughts out of your head onto a computer or down on paper is beneficial psychologically. It is almost as if it triggers some form of writing psychology at work going on within us.
It can be difficult to start with if you have not tried creative writing before. You may feel the intensity of emotion in your heart but seem to be unable to codify in your mind as to how to embark on the first sentence, let alone the first paragraph!
Fear not! With a piece of paper turned on its side, in landscape mode not portrait, start writing single thoughts anywhere on the paper and then drawing a circle round each of them. Go on doing the same as more thoughts seem to be freed up and register in your mind.
No matter that you have had no writing training. As subjects or issues occur to you, unrelated one to another or not, just scribble them down in abbreviated form. Don’t even entertain the eventual writing treatment you might give them. Just stay with your brainstorm to get all these disjointed thoughts out onto the page.
Once the cascade of thoughts and ideas has abated, you will have a form of mindmap in front of you, representing the sum total of your current mindset on your problem. Your first conclusion may be that you now face an impossible task to link all the points together!
Don’t despair! Take a brief break then look over your circled points for key aspects or issues within your overall problem. Draw a circle in the middle of two, three or even four sheets of paper and insert one of your key issues in a circle in the centre of each clean page.
Now revisit your mindmap for each page issue in turn. Look for any points that relate, and transfer them to one of your new issue pages. Write them in a new circle on the appropriate page, then linking them with a line drawn to the central circle.
This sifting process will help you enormously to collate your thoughts. With your three or four new issue sheets you can then focus in more depth on each. More thoughts will come on each. Believe or not, you will soon find that you have more than enough to write about.
Then, using your notes, quite simply write and write and write. Don’t worry at this stage about spelling or punctuation just get it down.
Soon you will find that a writing rhythm develops. Persevere and your ability and style will improve quickly. Once your flow of writing has slowed to a stop, go back over it to punctuate it and correct the spelling.
Then you will have the opportunity to think of committing your issue or drama to a non-fiction article or even a book. You can contemplate writing articles for magazines and newspapers or the internet, profiting by the process. There are a number of very good, and reasonably, priced writing tutorial programmes you can download or have mailed.
You have the chance to gain huge therapeutic advantage by writing down your innermost fears and anxieties, making you feel a sense of release. At the same time you can contemplate being able to profit from your growing literary skills.
Good luck and remember persistence pays off.
It can be difficult to start with if you have not tried creative writing before. You may feel the intensity of emotion in your heart but seem to be unable to codify in your mind as to how to embark on the first sentence, let alone the first paragraph!
Fear not! With a piece of paper turned on its side, in landscape mode not portrait, start writing single thoughts anywhere on the paper and then drawing a circle round each of them. Go on doing the same as more thoughts seem to be freed up and register in your mind.
No matter that you have had no writing training. As subjects or issues occur to you, unrelated one to another or not, just scribble them down in abbreviated form. Don’t even entertain the eventual writing treatment you might give them. Just stay with your brainstorm to get all these disjointed thoughts out onto the page.
Once the cascade of thoughts and ideas has abated, you will have a form of mindmap in front of you, representing the sum total of your current mindset on your problem. Your first conclusion may be that you now face an impossible task to link all the points together!
Don’t despair! Take a brief break then look over your circled points for key aspects or issues within your overall problem. Draw a circle in the middle of two, three or even four sheets of paper and insert one of your key issues in a circle in the centre of each clean page.
Now revisit your mindmap for each page issue in turn. Look for any points that relate, and transfer them to one of your new issue pages. Write them in a new circle on the appropriate page, then linking them with a line drawn to the central circle.
This sifting process will help you enormously to collate your thoughts. With your three or four new issue sheets you can then focus in more depth on each. More thoughts will come on each. Believe or not, you will soon find that you have more than enough to write about.
Then, using your notes, quite simply write and write and write. Don’t worry at this stage about spelling or punctuation just get it down.
Soon you will find that a writing rhythm develops. Persevere and your ability and style will improve quickly. Once your flow of writing has slowed to a stop, go back over it to punctuate it and correct the spelling.
Then you will have the opportunity to think of committing your issue or drama to a non-fiction article or even a book. You can contemplate writing articles for magazines and newspapers or the internet, profiting by the process. There are a number of very good, and reasonably, priced writing tutorial programmes you can download or have mailed.
You have the chance to gain huge therapeutic advantage by writing down your innermost fears and anxieties, making you feel a sense of release. At the same time you can contemplate being able to profit from your growing literary skills.
Good luck and remember persistence pays off.
Wednesday 24 February 2010
Breaking Your Relationship Pattern, Part 1 By Rinatta Paries
When you were little, you looked up to your parents. You imitated their mannerisms, words, and actions as you learned about life by watching them. This applies to relationships as well - you leaned about relationships by watching them.
Not all you learned about relationships came from your parents; your learning has continued throughout your life. But what you saw your parents do in relationships, how you interpreted what you saw, and how you felt about it, is the foundation of your adult relationships.
That's not to say that your parents were wrong or bad parents, or even that they had a bad relationship. The only thing that can be said is if intimate relationships are problematic for you, the source is inevitably your foundational learning.
If a great relationship, a great partner, is what you are after, you must see, understand, and deconstruct your foundational learning about relationships. To take apart a foundation of something is a delicate thing. Imagine trying to remove or change the foundation of a house while leaving the rest of the house standing intact. Not an easy task. But in order to have a great relationship, you need to reconstruct your foundational learning while leaving you intact.
To begin, you must get complete with your parents. If you still have negative feelings about what they did to you or each other, you will create situations in your intimate relationships where you will confront these same negative feelings. To see an illustration of this in you own life, take the PatternTrackerTM Quiz at http://www.whatittakes.com/Quiz2/patterntracker.html.
To be complete with your parents means to be both free of negative feelings and to feel compassion toward them. Can you say both are true for you?
If you can, congratulations. You are a member of a very small minority. If you are not free of negative feeling toward your parents or/and if you do not feel compassion for them, you have some completion work to do. That is if you want a long-term, healthy, thriving relationship.
The question is, how do you get complete?
The first thing to know about completion is that it is not just a feeling that will one day appear. There are steps that can be taken to generate a feeling of completion. What stands between you and having a great relationship is taking these steps. Watch for these steps in my newsletter over the next few weeks.
Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
www.WhatItTakes.com
Not all you learned about relationships came from your parents; your learning has continued throughout your life. But what you saw your parents do in relationships, how you interpreted what you saw, and how you felt about it, is the foundation of your adult relationships.
That's not to say that your parents were wrong or bad parents, or even that they had a bad relationship. The only thing that can be said is if intimate relationships are problematic for you, the source is inevitably your foundational learning.
If a great relationship, a great partner, is what you are after, you must see, understand, and deconstruct your foundational learning about relationships. To take apart a foundation of something is a delicate thing. Imagine trying to remove or change the foundation of a house while leaving the rest of the house standing intact. Not an easy task. But in order to have a great relationship, you need to reconstruct your foundational learning while leaving you intact.
To begin, you must get complete with your parents. If you still have negative feelings about what they did to you or each other, you will create situations in your intimate relationships where you will confront these same negative feelings. To see an illustration of this in you own life, take the PatternTrackerTM Quiz at http://www.whatittakes.com/Quiz2/patterntracker.html.
To be complete with your parents means to be both free of negative feelings and to feel compassion toward them. Can you say both are true for you?
If you can, congratulations. You are a member of a very small minority. If you are not free of negative feeling toward your parents or/and if you do not feel compassion for them, you have some completion work to do. That is if you want a long-term, healthy, thriving relationship.
The question is, how do you get complete?
The first thing to know about completion is that it is not just a feeling that will one day appear. There are steps that can be taken to generate a feeling of completion. What stands between you and having a great relationship is taking these steps. Watch for these steps in my newsletter over the next few weeks.
Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
www.WhatItTakes.com
| About The Author Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit http://www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!" help@whatittakes.com Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Rinatta_Paries |  |
Thursday 18 February 2010
Trying As AdultsTo Square The Circles We Constructed In Our Childhood Can Often Be Achieved When We Share Issues With Strangers
In Childhood we can so easily encircle ourselves with defensive patterning to protect us from emotional hurt. So often our immaturity at the time meant that the defences we built were not going to be particularly effective for long term use. Nevertheless, we could have kept them intact and a total secret as we went on trying to make them more effective. All too easily we could have perpetuated this as we lived on through our teens into our twenties, thirties and beyond.
Outwardly such limited evidence of those childhood patterns we disclose inadvertently to those close to us, causes them to judge us as a person by those very patterns. Yet they can have no worthwhile role to play in our adult lives. Whether we are aware of this or not, we can at best become utterly determined not to share with our partners or family, the events which caused us to encircle ourselves with an emotional shield. At worst we would not necessarily admit even to ourselves the intensity of our secret feelings felt since our childhood, or even that we remembered them clearly.
So what can happen when at last we begin to realise, sometimes after 40, 50 or even sixty years, that these circles of defence are no longer valid, no longer represent our own personal view of 'us' and are no longer welcome within ourselves. Yet we find it difficult if not impossible to share it at home.
So we share it either with a complete stranger who is a cognitive counseller, and there many good ones, or with someone we have not met either on- or off-line. Unable previously to want even to recall or discuss these secret feelings with our family, somehow we then can share them with someone previously unknown to us. Also we can find that the impact this has on them is such that they can share past unconfided features of their lives.
The psychology involved can of course be professionally monitored by a qualified counsellor, yet the emotional release achievable between strangers can be as profound even if there was no professional guidance.
I would be very interested in any similar experience you may have had, if you feel able to share this with me, as I am researching this.
Outwardly such limited evidence of those childhood patterns we disclose inadvertently to those close to us, causes them to judge us as a person by those very patterns. Yet they can have no worthwhile role to play in our adult lives. Whether we are aware of this or not, we can at best become utterly determined not to share with our partners or family, the events which caused us to encircle ourselves with an emotional shield. At worst we would not necessarily admit even to ourselves the intensity of our secret feelings felt since our childhood, or even that we remembered them clearly.
So what can happen when at last we begin to realise, sometimes after 40, 50 or even sixty years, that these circles of defence are no longer valid, no longer represent our own personal view of 'us' and are no longer welcome within ourselves. Yet we find it difficult if not impossible to share it at home.
So we share it either with a complete stranger who is a cognitive counseller, and there many good ones, or with someone we have not met either on- or off-line. Unable previously to want even to recall or discuss these secret feelings with our family, somehow we then can share them with someone previously unknown to us. Also we can find that the impact this has on them is such that they can share past unconfided features of their lives.
The psychology involved can of course be professionally monitored by a qualified counsellor, yet the emotional release achievable between strangers can be as profound even if there was no professional guidance.
I would be very interested in any similar experience you may have had, if you feel able to share this with me, as I am researching this.
The Secret Appeal of Blogs - Why Blogs by Strangers Who Are"Just Like You" Are Irresistibly Magnetic By William Corey
Since their inception, blogs have evolved. There are still blogs used to record the personal details of the life experiences of the blogger but now there are specialized, informational blogs that discuss favorite hobbies, like knitting, rock collecting, aquariums, pets, sports, cooking, candy, electronic gadgetry, toys, art, paranormal experiences and just about anything else that you can think of in which people are interested or in which they have some expertise.
Businesses have discovered the value of blogs too. Many well-known companies have their own blogs which they use to share the day to day details of the "behind-the-scenes" activities in the company. Sometimes, the blogger might be a product engineer or a technician. Sometimes the CEO of the company will weigh-in on the latest burning issues in the company. What businesses have realized is that customer/blog-readers like to know the truth about what is really going on. They want the "Real Story." Many businesses have learned that it can enhance the company image if they are able to present a persona that conveys the sense that: "Hey, we're ordinary folks, trying to solve problems and make a living; just like you."
Of course, there are still the personal blogs by ordinary people, of whom it must be said, emboldened by a false sense of anonymity, write their private details in a blog for all the world to read. These blogs are still wildly popular with blog-readers, probably because people like to know about what other people are up to. We are naturally curious creatures.
Not everyone, however, is eagerly awaiting the next installment of "What My Crazy neighbor is Doing Now," or "Gemma's Dilemmas." When seeking answers to my questions, I frequently try to get a consensus of opinion from people around me. When, during one of my local, infamous surveys I asked an exhausted Mother of a toddler if she ever read blogs, I received a peevish and curt response: "Why do I want to waste my time reading about someone I don't know? I am too busy. I don't care what they are eating, or reading or what their cat is doing. Anyway, that's boring."
Many people may feel this way, but I do not think it is the prevailing view. The fact is, blogs are still with us and are as popular as ever. Evidence? Search for blog directories and you will find them everywhere on the Web.
Blogs exert a magnetic appeal akin to the appeal of soap-operas and reality shows. Blogs, especially, the personal blogs of ordinary people, "just like you" give us a window through which we can peer (with their permission) into their lives. We can, thus, share their hopes, dreams, disappointments, frustrations, joys and the full range of human emotions that make us feel alive. Like the Talosians in Episode One of the original Star Trek series,( "The Menagerie") we are fascinated by how others live and we want to know how they feel. By observing others at a safe distance so we do not actually become entangled in their complicated lives, we can feel certain self-assurance about our own lives that we are indeed, OK. The examination of other people's lives can provide us with entertainment; we can find wisdom and sometimes, inspiration. We can learn about ourselves; how we are different from others; how we are the same. We can often identify with the blogger. Maybe this helps us feel less alone in a world where, when we look out our window, our neighbor, whom we do not talk to and who does not talk to us, is not home again, as usual. We can always find comfort knowing that we can still enjoy human contact and have some connection, if only a meeting of minds, through the window of our computer. This is, essentially, the Secret Appeal of Blogs.
W.E. Corey
Businesses have discovered the value of blogs too. Many well-known companies have their own blogs which they use to share the day to day details of the "behind-the-scenes" activities in the company. Sometimes, the blogger might be a product engineer or a technician. Sometimes the CEO of the company will weigh-in on the latest burning issues in the company. What businesses have realized is that customer/blog-readers like to know the truth about what is really going on. They want the "Real Story." Many businesses have learned that it can enhance the company image if they are able to present a persona that conveys the sense that: "Hey, we're ordinary folks, trying to solve problems and make a living; just like you."
Of course, there are still the personal blogs by ordinary people, of whom it must be said, emboldened by a false sense of anonymity, write their private details in a blog for all the world to read. These blogs are still wildly popular with blog-readers, probably because people like to know about what other people are up to. We are naturally curious creatures.
Not everyone, however, is eagerly awaiting the next installment of "What My Crazy neighbor is Doing Now," or "Gemma's Dilemmas." When seeking answers to my questions, I frequently try to get a consensus of opinion from people around me. When, during one of my local, infamous surveys I asked an exhausted Mother of a toddler if she ever read blogs, I received a peevish and curt response: "Why do I want to waste my time reading about someone I don't know? I am too busy. I don't care what they are eating, or reading or what their cat is doing. Anyway, that's boring."
Many people may feel this way, but I do not think it is the prevailing view. The fact is, blogs are still with us and are as popular as ever. Evidence? Search for blog directories and you will find them everywhere on the Web.
Blogs exert a magnetic appeal akin to the appeal of soap-operas and reality shows. Blogs, especially, the personal blogs of ordinary people, "just like you" give us a window through which we can peer (with their permission) into their lives. We can, thus, share their hopes, dreams, disappointments, frustrations, joys and the full range of human emotions that make us feel alive. Like the Talosians in Episode One of the original Star Trek series,( "The Menagerie") we are fascinated by how others live and we want to know how they feel. By observing others at a safe distance so we do not actually become entangled in their complicated lives, we can feel certain self-assurance about our own lives that we are indeed, OK. The examination of other people's lives can provide us with entertainment; we can find wisdom and sometimes, inspiration. We can learn about ourselves; how we are different from others; how we are the same. We can often identify with the blogger. Maybe this helps us feel less alone in a world where, when we look out our window, our neighbor, whom we do not talk to and who does not talk to us, is not home again, as usual. We can always find comfort knowing that we can still enjoy human contact and have some connection, if only a meeting of minds, through the window of our computer. This is, essentially, the Secret Appeal of Blogs.
W.E. Corey
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