Can’t men be hopelessly self-contained and secretive about their feelings. Isn’t common thinking that this is the way men are? It must be in their DNA! Whether this is the case or not, this reserve can prove both a huge handicap and a challenge to a woman wishing to create a more intimate sharing of feelings.
If, however, in reality, this is not so – if it is not genetic, can a woman help break down this male behavioural defence? And if so, what can they actually do to help unblock it?
First, it is important to recognise their man’s reticence for what it is. It is almost certainly a defensive ploy which they adopted in childhood to protect against parents, or teachers, or siblings or friends. And once adopted as a protective emotional shield, it could have been taken into adult life, there to be honed and all too often strengthened, but unfortunately not discarded.
It is most unlikely to be a genetic condition!
The experiences in child hood causing this pattern of response could well have seemed innocuous to the parent, teacher, sibling or peer group at the time. It could have been totally unrelated to what seems now to trigger the male block. Yet to most of the recipients at the time these causes could have been very unwelcome. To a particularly sensitive recipient, they could have become deeply disturbing if the triggers were pulled repeatedly over a period.
Once screened out by the sufferer, the upset or trauma can have laid invisible to those who could have caused it wittingly or unwittingly. They could have been quite unaware of the defensive but determined decision made by the child never to allow his feelings to show his feelings in future. Worse still, the instigators of the problem could have remained ignorant of the child’s resulting commitment never to allow himself to feel his feelings.
Very often, mothers can initiate the construction of this process or pattern unknowingly in a child. It has to be said, that there are some who should have known better. As an example, the arrival of a new baby can cause such a domestic distraction for the mother that the older child suddenly feels emotionally abandoned, becomes hurt and begins to screen out his or her feelings..
Should one acknowledge that this can happen to girls too? Of course! Although, one suspects somehow, that girls remain less wedded to the defensive and redundant childhood patterns once they reach adulthood than many men may do.
So what simple steps can women take to help unblock a reserved and self-contained man.
First encourage him without judgement on his part or hers, to recall events in his childhood which disturb him when he does.
Second, allow him to rehearse aloud their significance to him then as he dwells on them now.
Third, be prepared for him to find this is a particularly sensitive exercise and one which could prove too much to be conducted in one instalment.
Fourth, most definitely without any judgmental comments from you whatsoever, see if you can allow him to indicate how he feels he may have carried forward the implications of these defensive patterns into his relationships with others in general and with you in particular. If this does not surface initially don’t press it.
Critically important, as already emphasised, is being non-judgemental throughout. Many of his current assessments of himself will be based on this self-patterning as a child. He can have lived as his own private judge and jury. His realisation and acceptance of the existence of such an inhibiting pattern could now appear very difficult even for him to understand and justify. But he best needs to be able to digest and process that himself. He needs to be shown the way but he needs to make the journey.
It is important that this is done with love, patiently and unrushed with a partner or someone counselling in a way that reveals the history but does not demean it. That will prove to him the amazing value of sharing such issues and restore his belief that he can trust another with the knowledge.
Soon, with empathy and without judgement, the woman will discover that what she sees is not the way her man just is. She will discover first how and why he became to act as he does. Then she could join in his joy of him allowing himself to dismantle patterns that have dogged him for years.
Don’t be upset, though, if he wants to conduct this process through counselling It could be that he too needs convincing independently and professionally that he is able to unravel some of these constraining features of himself. And the feeling of release to be obtained can be overwhelming, but is available to those willing to explore.
I believe a woman’s role in helping is pivotal.
And can the roles be reversed? Yes I believe they can, with the same provisos. I do sense however that the behavioural patterning at the heart of this becomes more rigid in men. It will be interesting to see where further cognitive research takes us.
Would I say that beyond a certain age, it becomes pointless to embark on this process? Never! Never!
