Breaking Your Relationship Pattern, Part 4

Finally, after all of the hard work you have done completing your past, here is a way to break your relationship pattern.

Relationship choices are often based on patterns created in our childhood. These patterns are automatic and subliminal. We believe ours is the way relationships ought to be.

There is no problem having a pattern that leads you to loving, satisfying, long-term relationships. However, many people have patterns that cause them nothing but the heartache of unsuccessful relationships.

There is a way out, a way for you to be free of your particular pattern and to be free to make your relationship choices based on what you need and want. The best way is to understand where your relationship pattern comes from. Then you can consciously choose what works for you and what doesn't, what you want to continue and what you want to stop, and how you want your next relationship to be.

Below is a powerful exercise. In doing this exercise, you will discover information about your relationships and yourself. Knowledge of yourself is freedom to choose, freedom to act differently, freedom to have what you want.

Pattern Tracker©

Section 1. Instructions: Answer the following question for all of your significant past relationships. Significant means you had or still have strong feelings about the person. Go backwards in your history, starting with the most recent relationship. Write down your answers.

* What hurtful things did your partner do in your last relationship?
* What hurtful things did your partner do in the relationship before that?
* What about the relationship before that?

Section 2. Instructions: Answer the following questions and write down your answers.

* What hurtful things did your parent of the opposite sex do to his/her partner?
* What hurtful things did your parent of the same sex do to his/her partner?
* What hurtful things did your parent of the opposite sex do to you?
* What hurtful things did your parent of the same sex do to you?

Section 3. Instructions: You will need to refer to your responses from the previous two sections. To make answering the following questions easier, you may want to copy out those responses. Write down your answers.

* What are the similarities between the hurtful behaviors of your parents and your past partners?
* Are the behaviors opposite?

Section 4. Instructions: Answer the following questions, writing down your answers.

* Your parents' relationship with each other and with you is the basis for your relationship pattern. What kinds of pattern were you programmed to have in your intimate relationship?
* Are you repeating your parents' relationship pattern in your own relationships?
* Are you reacting to your parents' relationship by doing the opposite of their pattern?

Example: (Names and details changed to preserve privacy)

When my client Sonya did this exercise, she filled out Section 1 by listing all three of her significant relationship partners as unavailable and uninterested. Her most recent partner, Jeff, lives in New York, while she lives in Boston. He was barely making time for her. They were only seeing each other once a month and even then he would find reasons to be away from her. He was very argumentative and would never be the one to say he was sorry.

Her previous partner, Ronald, simply did not want to continue in their relationship. Every time something would go wrong, he would back away a little bit more until there was no longer a relationship. Sonya wrote down that Ronald was unavailable because he was unable to be emotionally close. He was also uninterested -- he did eventually walk away from the relationship. This man was not argumentative, instead avoiding arguments at all cost.

Sonya's very first significant partner, Rob, was the love of her life. They loved each other deeply, but even that did not keep them together or prevent him from doing hurtful things. As the relationship progressed he started to withdraw more and more. Eventually he lost interest in her physically. They tried to work it out, but he would shy away from confrontation and nothing ever got resolved.

Here is Sonya's Section 1:

* Jeff was unavailable, uninterested and argumentative.
* Ronald was unavailable and uninterested, and avoided confrontation.
* Rob was withdrawn, uninterested, and avoided confrontation.

Sonya had to think hard about Section 2. She did not want to blame her parents or make them look bad. But as she thought about their relationship with each other and with her, she began to see some patterns.

She remembered her parents arguing often. Her mother felt the father did not care, did not want her, and did not participate in the relationship or the family. Sonya also remembered that her mother was the one who started these arguments and did the yelling, while her father first listened and then walked away.

Sonya's father did not spend much time with her, but was a good financial support. When her father eventually left, he did not stay in touch. Her mother told her over and over how all men eventually lose interest and leave.

Here is what Sonya wrote for section 2:

* Father unavailable, uninterested and avoided confrontation.
* Mother argumentative and blaming.
* Father not around for me, not wanting me, leaving eventually.
* Mother told me all men lose interest and leave.

When it came to Section 3, Sonya copied out the responses from the previous sections. She came up with the following list:

* Jeff was unavailable, uninterested and argumentative.
* Ronald was unavailable and uninterested, and avoided confrontation.
* Rob was withdrawn, uninterested, and avoided confrontation.
* Father unavailable, uninterested and avoided confrontation.
* Mother argumentative and blaming.
* Father not around for me, not wanting me, leaving eventually.
* Mother told me all men lose interest and leave.

In answering the question, "What are the similarities between the hurtful behaviors of your parents and your past partners?" she noticed many similarities. For example, she noticed that all of the men, with whom she has had a significant relationship, ended up treating her the way her father treated both her and her mother. Sonya also noticed with a gasp that all of her relationships have fulfilled her mother's prophecy.

In answering the question, "Are the behaviors opposite?", she noticed that Jeff, her most recent relationship partner, was argumentative. In this way he was the opposite of her father and more like her mother.

Here is Sonya's Section 3:

* Father unavailable to me and mother; I find men who are not available.
* Father was uninterested in mother and me; I find men who lose interest in me.
* Father avoided confrontation; two of the three relationships were with men who avoid confrontation.
* Father left; I attract men who eventually leave. And mother told me they would.
* A man who is argumentative is the opposite of my father, but just like my mother.

Finally, Sonya came to Section 4. What kind of a relationship pattern was she programmed for? The answered seemed obvious: exactly the kind of pattern she has been living out, where the men with whom she's in a relationship become unavailable, lose interest and eventually leave. She is programmed to have relationships that are domed to fail because she is with partners who cannot work through the relationship for fear of confrontation.

She had to answer "yes" when asked if she was repeating her parents' relationship pattern in her own relationships. She also had to answer "yes" when asked whether she was doing the opposite of her parents. And she realized that doing the opposite got her the same exact result.

Here is Sonya's Section 4:

* I was programmed to have a relationship pattern where my partner will become unavailable, losing interest in me and eventually leaving.
* I am exactly repeating the pattern in my parents' relationship.
* Sometimes I have done the opposite of my parents' relationship, but got exactly the same result.

If you do the exercise yourself, I'm certain you'll have some great realizations, perhaps even a sense of relief. You will better understand why you attract and are attracted to certain kinds of partners. You will understand your relationship pattern. And in understanding your pattern, you will be able to break it and break free.

Your Relationship Coach,

Rinatta Paries

www.WhatItTakes.com

About The Author

(c) Rinatta Paries, 1998-2002. Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"

help@whatittakes.com

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Breaking Your Relationship Pattern, Part 3

Do you want to put to rest the people and situations from your past so they do not interfere with your current and future relationships?

I bet you said yes. Who doesn't have something in their past they want to put to rest? Then let's talk about what action steps you can take to create the absence of past -- or completion -- in your life.

Below are a series of action steps. You'll want to pick a few and repeat them until you are complete with various people and circumstances from your past.

The time it takes to get to genuine completion will vary from person to person and situation to situation. For some it can come quickly. But sometimes completion happens over time: we may have to forgive, let go, or communicate to people in stages over a period of time.

Here are 10 action steps to put to rest the people and situations from your past. Use these action steps on the list of incompletions you created from last week's article.

1. Write Letters

Write letters to the person or people to whom you feel resentful, hurt, or still attached. Freely say everything you want to say and write as many letters as necessary to feel complete, each time going deeper inside to express your full emotions. Do not send these letters, but instead do something with them that leads you to feel you are getting rid of the feelings. Flush the letters down the toilet, burn them, bury them, etc.

2. Tell Your Story

Tell your story over and over to a trusted friend, advisor, or your journal. Make sure neither you nor the person listening edit or judge what you say or write, give advice, or make comments to dispute your feelings. Your job is to communicate and be listened to attentively.

3. Talk to the Right Person

Talk to the person with whom you have the incompletion. Do this only if you are sure the person will be able to listen to you in the same way as in Step 2 above. If you do have this conversation, make sure not to blame or be rude, but talk about your feelings and the consequences in your life. If you have the opportunity, have as many conversations as you need to get complete.

4. Imagine Talking to the Right Person

If the conversation in Step 3 above is not feasible, have this conversation in your imagination. Give the conversation as much time and undivided attention as you would give a real conversation. This works best as a closed eye meditation/visualization.

5. Role Play

Ask a trusted friend to role-play the incomplete situation with you or imagine being back in the situation. Use this opportunity to say what you wish you had said. Repeat the role play again, but this time have the other person act in a way that would have avoided causing the incompletion. Repeat the process over time until you feel complete.

6. Reexamine

Reexamine the situation from the vantage point of the present. How did you grow as a result? Was there a hidden gift in going through the experience? What did you learn from the situation? Repeat until you can feel gratitude toward the situation and the other person.

7. Own What Happened

Take responsibility for it and figure out how to prevent a similar situation from happening again. Answer the following questions at length in your journal: How did you contribute to the situation, specifically? What motivated you? What did you ignore or not communicate? How will you respond differently next time at each of the key junctures?

8. Create Completion by Understanding

Look at the other person's motivations. You do not have to approve or agree. Simply understand. Answer the following questions at length in your journal: What made his/her actions inevitable? Did he/she have a true choice? What would have had to be different in order for his/her actions to be different?

9. Repair the Damage or Loss

Actively repair the damage or loss. If something of yours was taken, replace it with an item just as good or better. If you were emotionally hurt, give yourself the kind of support, acknowledgement, and love you wanted from the other person. Ask trusted others to provide you with the emotional support you needed and did not get.

10. Talk to the Spirit of the Person

Sometimes our relationships go so wrong and so much hurt is created that it is difficult to imagine the person giving us the understanding we need to get complete. In these cases, imagine having a conversation with the person's spirit, attentively listening while you say everything you need to say. Even when the person may not be able to hear you, their spirit always will. Repeat this process until you are complete.

These steps will help you put your past to rest. You will be ready to start working on attracting your ideal Mr. or Ms. Right -- figuring out and then breaking your relationship pattern.

Your Relationship Coach,

Rinatta Paries

www.WhatItTakes.com

About The Author

Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit http://www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"

help@whatittakes.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Rinatta_Paries

Rinatta Paries - EzineArticles Expert Author

Breaking Your Relationship Pattern, Part 2 By Rinatta Paries ...

The first step toward being able to attract and create your ideal relationship is to clear the way for it by eliminating baggage from your past. This baggage refers to any resentments, hurts, or fears you have toward anyone who either was a role model or who participated directly in a relationship with you.

Lots of people carry such baggage for a long time, some even for a lifetime. The sooner you can truly let go of this baggage, the less likely you are to recreate bad situations in current and future relationships.

Dropping this baggage is what I call "getting complete."

How do you get complete? Completion is not a sense or an emotion or even a state of being, but a process. This means there are steps and practical actions that will get you to completion. What stands between you and having a great relationship is acting on these steps.

At the most basic level, completion is an exercise in communication. Imagine you could finally say everything you needed to say to everyone you needed to say it to, no holds barred. Wouldn't that give you a great sense of relief and freedom? In essence, getting complete is getting to communicate everything to everyone, without spending your life looking for everyone from your past or having to deal with less-than-receptive people.

Once you are complete with a situation, the next time you face a similar situation you will be free to choose your actions rather than being run by fear, pain, anger, etc. You may flash back to the old situation, but you will not react based on it. You will no longer have anything but a minute negative emotional response when looking back on hurtful situations. For the majority of the time, you will feel genuine forgiveness toward others and yourself.

The first thing you need to do to get complete is to feel all of your feelings, no matter how unpleasant they may be. How do you feel about your past relationships? Have you swept your feelings under the rug? Are you still secretly pining for someone? What are you afraid of in regards to relationships? Who are you still angry with?

In order to allow yourself to feel, you have to know that feelings, unless they are of the clinical depression or the criminal rage kind, will not kill or hurt you. Most people have either not had the permission or never slowed down enough to feel their feelings. You must give yourself both the time and the permission if any completion is to take place. As long as you don't let yourself feel, you will recreate exactly what you had in the past. If you want something different -- a fulfilling relationship -- you can't afford to recreate the past.

Right now, check in with your feelings and make a list of all the people and situations you need to complete. We will come back to this list.

The second thing you need to do to get complete is to take action. Look for a list of ten action steps in next week's newsletter.

Your Relationship Coach,

Rinatta Paries

www.WhatItTakes.com

About The Author

Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit http://www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!"

help@whatittakes.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Rinatta_Paries

Rinatta Paries - EzineArticles Expert Author
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Breaking Your Relationship Pattern, Part 1 By Rinatta Paries

When you were little, you looked up to your parents. You imitated their mannerisms, words, and actions as you learned about life by watching them. This applies to relationships as well - you leaned about relationships by watching them.
Not all you learned about relationships came from your parents; your learning has continued throughout your life. But what you saw your parents do in relationships, how you interpreted what you saw, and how you felt about it, is the foundation of your adult relationships.
That's not to say that your parents were wrong or bad parents, or even that they had a bad relationship. The only thing that can be said is if intimate relationships are problematic for you, the source is inevitably your foundational learning.
If a great relationship, a great partner, is what you are after, you must see, understand, and deconstruct your foundational learning about relationships. To take apart a foundation of something is a delicate thing. Imagine trying to remove or change the foundation of a house while leaving the rest of the house standing intact. Not an easy task. But in order to have a great relationship, you need to reconstruct your foundational learning while leaving you intact.
To begin, you must get complete with your parents. If you still have negative feelings about what they did to you or each other, you will create situations in your intimate relationships where you will confront these same negative feelings. To see an illustration of this in you own life, take the PatternTrackerTM Quiz at http://www.whatittakes.com/Quiz2/patterntracker.html.
To be complete with your parents means to be both free of negative feelings and to feel compassion toward them. Can you say both are true for you?
If you can, congratulations. You are a member of a very small minority. If you are not free of negative feeling toward your parents or/and if you do not feel compassion for them, you have some completion work to do. That is if you want a long-term, healthy, thriving relationship.
The question is, how do you get complete?
The first thing to know about completion is that it is not just a feeling that will one day appear. There are steps that can be taken to generate a feeling of completion. What stands between you and having a great relationship is taking these steps. Watch for these steps in my newsletter over the next few weeks.
Your Relationship Coach,
Rinatta Paries
www.WhatItTakes.com

About The Author Do you know how to attract your ideal mate? Do you know how to build a fulfilling relationship, or how to reinvent yours to meet your needs? Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries can teach you the skills and techniques to attract and sustain long-term, healthy partnerships. Visit http://www.WhatItTakes.com where you'll find quizzes, classes, advice and a free weekly ezine. Become a "true love magnet(tm)!" help@whatittakes.com Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Rinatta_Paries

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