Does It Take A Woman To Unblock A Man’s Emotions?

Can’t men be hopelessly self-contained and secretive about their feelings. Isn’t common thinking that this is the way men are? It must be in their DNA! Whether this is the case or not, this reserve can prove both a huge handicap and a challenge to a woman wishing to create a more intimate sharing of feelings.  

If, however, in reality, this is not so – if it is not genetic, can a woman help break down this male behavioural defence? And if so, what can they actually do to help unblock it?

First, it is important to recognise their man’s reticence for what it is. It is almost certainly a defensive ploy which they adopted in childhood to protect against parents, or teachers, or siblings or friends. And once adopted as a protective emotional shield, it could have been taken into adult life, there to be honed and all too often strengthened, but unfortunately not discarded.

It is most unlikely to be a genetic condition!

The experiences in child hood causing this pattern of response could well have seemed innocuous to the parent, teacher, sibling or peer group at the time. It could have been totally unrelated to what seems now to trigger the male block. Yet to most of the recipients at the time these causes could have been very unwelcome. To a particularly sensitive recipient, they could have become deeply disturbing if the triggers were pulled repeatedly over a period.

Once screened out by the sufferer, the upset or trauma can have laid invisible to those who could have caused it wittingly or unwittingly. They could have been quite unaware of the defensive but determined decision made by the child never to allow his feelings to show his feelings in future. Worse still, the instigators of the problem could have remained ignorant of the child’s resulting commitment never to allow himself to feel his feelings.

Very often, mothers can initiate the construction of this process or pattern unknowingly in a child. It has to be said, that there are some who should have known better. As an example, the arrival of a new baby can cause such a domestic distraction for the mother that the older child suddenly feels emotionally abandoned, becomes hurt and begins to screen out his or her feelings..

Should one acknowledge that this can happen to girls too? Of course! Although, one suspects somehow, that girls remain less wedded to the defensive and redundant childhood patterns once they reach adulthood than many men may do.  

So what simple steps can women take to help unblock a reserved and self-contained man.

First encourage him without judgement on his part or hers, to recall events in his childhood which disturb him when he does.

Second, allow him to rehearse aloud their significance to him then as he dwells on them now.

Third, be prepared for him to find this is a particularly sensitive exercise and one which could prove too much to be conducted in one instalment.

Fourth, most definitely without any judgmental comments from you whatsoever, see if you can allow him to indicate how he feels he may have carried forward the implications of these defensive patterns into his relationships with others in general and with you in particular. If this does not surface initially don’t press it.

Critically important, as already emphasised, is being non-judgemental throughout. Many of his current assessments of himself will be based on this self-patterning as a child. He can have lived as his own private judge and jury. His realisation and acceptance of the existence of such an inhibiting pattern could now appear very difficult even for him to understand and justify. But he best needs to be able to digest and process that himself. He needs to be shown the way but he needs to make the journey.

It is important that this is done with love, patiently and unrushed with a partner or someone counselling in a way that reveals the history but does not demean it. That will prove to him the amazing value of sharing such issues and restore his belief that he can trust another with the knowledge.

Soon, with empathy and without judgement, the woman will discover that what she sees is not the way her man just is. She will discover first how and why he became to act as he does. Then she could join in his joy of him allowing himself to dismantle patterns that have dogged him for years.

Don’t be upset, though, if he wants to conduct this process through counselling  It could be that he too needs convincing independently and professionally that he is able to unravel some of these constraining features of himself. And the feeling of release to be obtained can be overwhelming, but is available to those willing to explore.

I believe a woman’s role in helping is pivotal.

And can the roles be reversed? Yes I believe they can, with the same provisos. I do sense however that the behavioural patterning at the heart of this becomes more rigid in men. It will be interesting to see where further cognitive research takes us.

Would I say that beyond a certain age, it becomes pointless to embark on this process? Never! Never!

Gerry Neale is an author, a cognitive mentor and motivational speaker. He has recently published a novel with cognitive behavioural overtones www.squaringcircles.co.uk  It is available in paperback on amazon.co.uk, from the publishers www.pearlpress.co.uk and most bookshops. He has published more articles on http://psychologysimplified.blogspot.com  and http://squaringcirclesbygerryneale.blogspot.com

How Showing Embarrassment Can Pay Dividends

It seems we are more likely to trust someone who blushes with embarrassment! We can attribute a generous streak to them too!

A study by the University of California suggests that the demonstration of embarrassment is a bonding feature among humans. It focused on the personality traits most likely to be displayed by easily embarrassed people.

For those wanting to check it out then Google the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology

Matthew Feinberg a co-author of the study said that the data “suggests embarrassment is a good thing and not something one should fight”.

Gerry Neale          Author of “Squaring Circles”. A novel  in paperback

www.amazon.co.uk 

www.squaringcircles.co.uk

What, In Short, Is The Origin Of Our Anger?

One simple way ( and sometimes too simple!) is be sure to direct one's anger and frustration at curing the problem rather than personalising it by focusing it on the one or more people you feel caused it. This helps everyone affected to swing in behind the solution.

A second way and one needing more cognitive practice, is to accept the principle that each of us make ourselves angry. Yes Really! No-one else does! We have a clear picture of the way we want things to be and someone or something has suddenly challenged that picture. But remember it is our picture of how things should be and could well not be shared by others.

One other big No-No in terms of natural justice and remedying any issue, is to vent our anger and frustration on a person who had nothing to do with it but happens to be in our firing line. An example? Telephoning a Help-Line. Venting anger on the person at the call centre very rarely works. Yet sharing with them the cause of ones anger and frustration most often does work.

One thing is for sure the more often we react in the same way in anger and frustration, in front of our children, the more they will adopt the same behaviour.

Gerry Neale

Squaring Circles

Beware! Being Married Can Make You Lazy!

According to a Poll instigated by the Department of Health, married people were far less willing to exercise than single people living on their own.

With the guideline in mind of 150 minutes exercise recommended each week, only 27% met the standard, and that involved women more than men. Of all those questioned and falling short, it was noiceable that the majority were married.

Perhaps the most daunting statistic was the discovery that married couples were twice as likely to be obese than their single counterparts.

I again would say, it is just as easy to pattern ones week to include physical activity as it is to exclude it, but no-one can force us on what choice we make. Resolving to exercise as a couple can be our choice and clearly has benefits.

Check this link. http://www.staysure.co.uk/news/2011-09-23/does-matrimony-put-an-end-to-exercise/255187

Gerry Neale

Psychology Simplied on The Artist Lurking in Everyone

I have been intrigued by the references on LinkedIn’s discussions on the Emotional Network  to artists and creators and their alleged different way of coming at things. It is portrayed by some as if perhaps artists and creators are so dictated to by their skill and creativity which then impacts irreconcilably on their behaviour to those who are not seemingly creative.

I have read too in some of the contributions the implication that of the many ways one can classify people, one way is into artists and non-artists!

If I have misinterpreted this then, please, someone, correct me!

I admit that 20 – 25 years ago I used to think in a similar way.

Then I learned to pose a different view. That is that we are all artists and creators, excepting none! If there is a difference between us, it is solely in the degree to which we have given space for it. Our acknowledgement of our skill may have been crippled by our belief system. Our performance may have been stunted by our lack of desire to be an artist or by our lack of time dedicated to it. But the latent creative ability, unique in its expression by each of us, is there in us.

Fifteen years ago, with no indication I was an artist or could be one, I was telling students I was mentoring that if they wanted enough to be good at any one of a number of things including an artist, they could be. Hearing myself saying it one day, and despite being busy, I realised I would love to be able to paint watercolour pictures. This was even though I have the red green colour blindness suffered by 6% of males across the Globe.

But my advice to students, if correct, should work with me, shouldn’t it? My life made attending lessons a problem. So standing in a bookshop, I was stunned by the selection of tutorial books. I bought one, then another, and yet another.

The first book told me that if I wanted to paint well, I needed first to learn to draw. I took the advice at face value and produced drawing after drawing until I wanted to add colour and so started to paint.

Did I enjoy what I produced to start with? No. But did I learn that it was a skill to be acquired and was not a talent blessed on me? Absolutely! Couldn’t I acquire it if I persevered and produce work I was pleased with? Why not!

So, so many people draw and paint, but make little of it. Many create artistically in the decoration and furnishing of their homes, plantings in their gardens

Does this activity affect our thinking? More does it influence our behaviour? I suspect strongly it does, but not because we are made that way. It happens because we learn new ways of seeing and behaving. Fifteen years ago I would have claimed I was pretty observant. Drawing and painting has taught me how little I really saw.

It has also told me that it is merely a form of illusion. Like the illusionist, an artist is a benign trickster of the eye. Line, contrast, tone, composition can be employed in many different ways to deceive the eye and make us believe what we see.

So what has it told me?

If we want to think like an artist, we can learn and experience how much more we can see, simply by looking. More significantly, it can caution us as to much more we are missing when looking at other activities. The more the competent the artist in our midst, the more likely they can help us see ourselves and our situation clearly. Not only that, their undisciplined ways to find inspiration in the creativity of their art can show us ways to be inspirationally creative about our businesses.

Using the same approach I learned to windsurf actively later in my life. I have learned to write lyrics to existing music when I cannot read music or play instrument. I do not sing well, but I know now that there is too much evidence to show if I learned properly then I could.

Recently, applying the same technique, I have had a first novel published.

I say this in no sense to boast, but in humility to show what is possible. I am pleased with what I have done so far but know I can improve on them dramatically.

All this has told me that we are much more conditioned by our thinking and our desires to achieve than we are by the mistaken perception of our inherent talent or lack of it. If we want passionately to do something creative or we encourage ourselves enough, there is indeed little to prevent us achieving it. We can be prodigious in our production as artists and creators and be extremely practical in our approach, just as we can be the opposite. All this can add to our overall competence to operate within teams.

However I do agree that weakness results from focusing solely on one element of creativity not just at the expense of other forms of creativity but everything else in life too. 

Nevertheless I feel that we are too often conditioned to judge people by what they do and are good at, rather than what they are. The more we learn different skills the more we open our minds. In any project, it is surely best to include those needed to create the sum total of being able to see the project from all angles.

The old adage I now believe to be Oh! So true. “Never judge a book by its cover”.

Gerry Neale

To see Pictures

The Linkedin member discussion referred to is entitled: "How Can You Encourage Artist-Type Personalities To Be More Productive," and it is in The Emotional Intelligence Network Group

 

   

Happiness From The Joy Of Reading Endorsed BY UK Government

Great news today. The UK Government is bolstering the potential happiness to be had from reading. It is going to establish a nine minute reading test next summer for each and every 6 year old in all the UK primary schools on its ability to interpret synthetic phonic symbols for the linguistic sounds we make. This follows successful trials in 300 primary schools. This method is at last gaining ground among more of  our educationalists!

Yet to my amazement some of them are still resisting it because they say it is not 100% successful! When we have between a quarter and a third of our children functionally illiterate, I would have thought that they would have pounced on this solution to reduce that deficit.

The happiness and joy children ( and adults too) gain from reading the great diversity of books available is palpable. Let us hope and pray that this system becomes available to and is embraced by schools across the UK. It has been about a long time as a system in different proprietary forms.

As Diane McGuinness said in her admirable 1998 book, Why Children Can't Read and What We can Do About It, writing is the employment of the code we have devised to represent the linguistic sounds we make when we speak. It follows that reading is the process of decoding, language by language. Teach a child the relevant linguistic code - that's for the difficult sounds as well as the easy ones - and we vest in them a key to their future happiness and fulfillment.

More detail here http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/8766371/New-reading-test-for-600000-infants-given-go-ahead.html

Well done I would say..

Squaring Circles Foreword

Gerry and I have known each other for almost 20 years, and it comes as no surprise to me that Gerry would write a novel that so sensitively identifies and characterises human frailties and feelings. Through each of the different characters portrayed by Gerry, I find echoes of so many people from different walks of life that I have known and worked with.

Many of the characters have the complex issues relating to difficult childhoods, to relationships, to control, to obsessions and addiction – issues that have profound effects on their families in particular and on their wider relationships. The book sensitively and graphically illustrates how so many of these issues endure because the person is unable or unwilling to confront and face them – and how this suppresses the real strengths that lie at the core of their personality.

The story of Squaring Circles is truly engaging as it unfolds. It is seen, felt and told through the hero, Jonathan, as he experiences it. The story demonstrates how complete strangers can choose to remain so or how they can engage with each other to huge beneficial effect. It also confirms how it is so much easier to re-configure the way one views oneself when away from those who believe they know us well.

This book is one of hope, displaying so much of the new findings from research in positive psychology and related fields. It offers great hope to readers, male or female and of any age who feel they have laboured long enough with damaging and deep-seated attitudes and habits. It provides an ingenious route map to self-discovery and personal growth. It does this through the wisdom shared between the key characters as they each seek to ‘square circles’ in their lives.

There is also an extensive recommended reading list for those who wish to further explore the ideas and research revealed within.

The best novelists have always found ways of describing the trials and tribulations of the human spirit. Gerry continues that tradition with a new and ‘hope-ful’ twist. I am delighted to recommend this novel wholeheartedly to you, the reader.   Savour it! Enjoy it! I feel sure you will return to reread it over time.

Den Winterburn

Team Consultant and Coach

www.squaringcircles.co.uk